The Happiest Place(s) on Earth

Sometime last year, I read one of those Forbes reports listing the happiest places in the world, according to a complex algorithm of completely objective factors. After 10 lovely days in England (HUGE thanks to Loni and Ryan, Jay and Dimitra, Al and Nat, and Rosemary for their humbling hospitality), I met my English mate Nick Carter in Stockholm early Easter morning for a tour of the countries topping the list: Norway, Denmark, and Sweden.

Naturally, I had several questions I wanted answered. Are they really the happiest places on Earth? Even happier than Disneyland or the Oakland Coliseum in the summer? Are Forbes' criteria objective and provable? Does everybody really look like an underwear model? Does a bottle of water really cost the average hourly wage of a McDonalds' employee? Is Forbes complicit in a leftist plot to turn the whole world into secular socialists who hate freedom? My enquiring mind wanted to know.

Nick and I spent Easter in Malmo, a sleepy hamlet in western Sweden that was completely empty in honor of Christ's Resurrection, a fact that's somewhat odd in a country whose population is 82% atheist. The third largest city in Sweden, I'm afraid it will remain memorable for only one reason: it's a 25-minute train ride to Copenhagen, one of the most charming towns I ever did see.

Copenhagen

Keeping with my standard pace, I fell in love with Copenhagen the minute I walked out of the train station. Our hostel was a short walk through the old city, and we breezed along cobblestone streets to the center of town, crossing the city's renowned canals, passing stone and brick buildings with ornamental towers, Gothic churches with brooding spires, and one gazillion bicycles along the way.

Because Trip Advisor is so freaking awesome, I found a very clever tour through the old city: a 10k run. Some guy who lives here and works a real job by day (IT Solutions something or other) started his own business guiding tourists around the old city by evening. While running. For about 60 bucks. A workout and a few stories about the city? Perfect.

The biggest attraction in town, Copehagen's Big Ben, Eiffel Tower, Golden Gate Bridge, or Empire State Building, is the iconic statue of the Little Mermaid. Nominally erected to commemorate favorite son Hans Christian Andersen's legendary Disney movie, the real motivation was much more salacious: the guy who commissioned it - the son of that great Dane who invented Carlsberg beer - fell in love with a married ballerina and wanted something of her to call his own. So, as any filthy rich person would do, he hired the best sculptor in town to memorialize her with an extremely underwhelming statue.

Thingamabobs? I've got twenty.

As we all know, this part of the world brought us Angry Birds, Spotify, Skype, urinal-top video games that help improve a guy's aim (not kidding), Elin Nordegren, and a convenient villain in our constant games of political demagoguery: the prototype socialist welfare state. No trip to Scandinavia would be complete without learning more about it, and my running guide gave me some interesting scoop, vis a vis the student population: not only is university completely free of charge (just like all medical care, by the bye), but students are given a $1,300 stipend every month to prevent them from taking jobs that detract from their studies. Four years of free money and a free education? Nope. It's even sweeter than that. Four years of undergrad, one year for a masters, and one year for a sabbatical. All paid for by the government.

In my next life, remind me to grow up in a small, homogenous, resource-rich country, then move west so I don't pay 52% income tax and never have to say the words "it's 0 degrees outside" or "let's go to this place, their small coffee is only $5."

I can certainly say this: people in Copenhagen do seem very happy. The vibe is active, with men and women donning lycra pants and running shoes to weave through town. Lululemon would make a killing here, since the entire city's male population has no shame. Thirty-six percent of all travel in the city is done by bicycle, and nifty bike paths abut car lanes on every street in town. The people are fit, friendly, and extremely modest, and the city manages to maintain its old-world feel despite its abundant new-world amenities: every merchant takes credit cards, the BUSSES have free wifi, the trains are clean, fast, and new. In fact, it only took us 12 minutes on their metro to get to the airport Thursday morning to head to Oslo.

Everywhere a bike...

Everywhere a bike lane.

Also, I went to Oslo.

Oslo doesn't have the same old-world feel of Copenhagen, but it is nestled into a gorgeous nook right on the water, not too unlike Seattle. The skyline is quirky, with newly built office buildings and condo towers in funky shapes and colors everywhere you look. The people are similarly active and friendly, and the public transit again blows San Francisco's out of the water. The waterfront looks like it caught a rash of construction cranes; real estate investment is booming in the happiest country on Earth.

Funky Oslo

"Art"

In other news, I'm a prince.

Nick and I are staying at a Norwegian friend of a friend's guest house not far from Oslo's city center, and since I'm the only one with an international phone/data plan, I took care of arranging our meetup for dinner last night using Facebook Messenger. During dinner, our Norwegian friend admitted that she expected me to look different than my FB pic.

Why?

"I thought you changed your profile picture to one of our Crown Prince as a joke."

Um....what?

Norway has something called a crown prince? Adorable.

And, oh yeah, as somebody who never actually gets pegged to a celebrity doppleganger, I was a little surprised to hear that I look like royalty. She showed us a few google images of Haakon - next in line for the Norwegian throne - and, well, see for yourself.

Separated at birth?

I'm headed back to Sweden in a few weeks to spend some time in Stockholm, but so far, I'm making progress on answering my questions. Norway and Denmark, as seen through the extremely limited lens of their largest cities, do seem pretty freaking happy. The people are indeed gorgeous (especially the Norwegian Royal Family), everything is ridiculously, unbelievably expensive, and yes, Forbes is clearly a poorly disguised Bolshevik propaganda machine.

And I love it here, no question.

Next week, I'm headed to Holland for a road trip with my good buddy Thomas ten Bokum. Looking forward to spending some time outside of the city.

Cheers.

Traditional Danish dish: mutant bacon and boiled potatoes

Tight squeeze

Copenhagen's "Green Light District" smelled like home